


a goddamn mess

by SailorChibi



Series: aro-ace Valentine fics [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Castiel and Dean Winchester are Claire Novak's Parents, Castiel is Claire Novak's Father, Claire-centric, Comforting, Daddy Castiel, Daddy Dean Winchester, Gen, Growing Up, Hugging, M/M, POV Claire Novak, Sexual Orientation, aro-ace character, aromantic Claire, asexual Claire, claire in the bunker, sexual orientation crisis, virgin as an insult
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 13:29:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6008032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorChibi/pseuds/SailorChibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard not having parents around, especially when you're not sure about something that everyone says you're supposed to want. Sometimes a girl has to make do with what - or rather who she's got.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a goddamn mess

**Author's Note:**

> Last year I wrote some aro/ace fics for Valentine's Day and it was well received, I think. So I wanted to do the same this year. I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what to write, and then the episode with Claire aired and my brain just exploded.
> 
> Note: someone who is aromantic does not feel romantic attraction towards anyone. Someone who is asexual does not feel sexual attraction towards anyone (some asexuals still enjoy sex, others don't - and those who don't may find be sex-repulsed, which is what Claire is).

The first time Claire brings it up to Jody, Jody gets that _look_ on her face. The one that means that she's feeling like she's in way over her head and she really doesn't know how to deal with this. Claire deeply regrets every moment in her life that led her to think talking to anyone about this would be a good idea and considers a strategic retreat, but by then Jody's already talking.

"It happens," she says a little helplessly, putting up a hand like she might touch Claire, and - in the end - reaching out to grab the potato peeler instead. "Maybe you're just a late bloomer, or you haven't found the right guy yet. Or girl. I'm sure that it will happen. You just have to give yourself time, Claire. Get out a little more. Meet some friends. Hang out with kids your own age. You'll find someone."

"But what if I don't want to meet someone?" Claire says, and that familiar sense of frustration sweeps over her, because she's not saying it the right way and she doesn't know how to find the right words to make Jody understand.

"You'll change your mind when you meet the right guy. Or girl. Which is totally fine, you know."

Claire sighs, and, because any idiot could tell that Jody is trying, just says, "I know."

"How does chicken sound for dinner?" Jody says brightly.

She spends another month wrestling with it; another month watching Alex get cozy with her new boyfriend, Mark, because Henry's mysterious disappearance hadn't done anything to hurt Alex's rising popularity. And she still doesn't get it. Looking at the way Alex and Mark cozy up to each other makes her skin itch. She doesn't like the thought of being that close to anyone. Holding hands, kissing, dating: it all seems like such a waste of time. And the thought of sex is enough to make her stomach tighten uncomfortably. 

She catches Alex once; she walks into the living room, home early from classes she really doesn't want to attend, and finds Alex on the couch with a dirty video on the television and a hand down her pants. Alex just stares, too embarrassed to move, and Claire flees the room like demons are on her heels. 

Afterwards Alex tracks her down to make sure she won't say anything to Jody, because no one wants another awkward talk like the birth control fiasco. Claire tries to keep the conversation short, but Alex is too damn perceptive and sees straight through her, because of course she does, and laughs and laughs when she realizes what's making Claire so uncomfortable.

"God, you're such a virgin," she says, gloating and triumphant, and walks out of the room rolling her eyes. Except she says it the way everyone else says _freak_ and it makes the hole in Claire's belly feel that much more hollow, until she feels sick with it.

Jody is actually the one who brings it up next, because Alex and Mark are getting ever closer, and she does it by dumping three boxes of condoms on the table after dinner.

"Jesus Christ," Alex says, looking like she wants to stab a fork into her eye.

Claire looks at the little foil packets dispassionately, hands clenched into fists on her lap. She knows what they are and what they're for, and she can't decide if the idea makes her feel more awkward or sick. 

"Take them," Jody orders. "Put them in your purse, your schoolbag, your nightstand. I can't stop you from having sex, but I can damn well make sure you're protected while you're doing it."

"I'm on birth control," Alex hisses, face red.

"Do we need to have another talk about how STDs -"

"God no." Alex grabs a handful and stuffs them in the pocket of her sweatshirt. 

"You too, Claire," Jody says.

"I don't need them," Claire says. She doesn't want to touch them.

"Claire, you're saying that now, but at some point or another you're going to find a guy - or girl - who you will want to have sex with. And I don't think I'm asking too much to make sure that you're safe. Just take a few and put them in your -"

"I won't need them _ever_ ," she says woodenly, and gets up. Jody calls after her, but she leaves the house anyway. She doesn't go far, just down the lawn, and she sits on the grass under the clear night sky. Her fingers are shaking a little when she takes out her phone, and if a few tears drop on the screen when she types up a short message, no one needs to know.

It takes two days. Two long, maddening days during which Jody tries to talk to her and Claire doesn't speak and Alex looks at them both like they're nuts. Finally, though, Claire hears the sound of the 1967 Chevy Impala gliding up the driveway. She's on her feet and sprinting to the door before the car doors open. Alex is already outside; Jody's got a new house rule about no guys in the house when she's not home, so Alex and her friends are sprawled on the porch and the grass. Every single one of them is staring at the two men getting out of the Impala; Alex's face has gone pale, and Claire almost - almost - feels bad for scaring her.

She jumps off the porch in one leap and sprints across the gravel. Something jumpy in her chest settles when Castiel grins at her and Dean lifts a hand in welcome. Claire stops before she actually gets to them, but just their proximity helps a bit.

Behind her, someone says a little loudly, "Who the hell is _that_?"

"Oh," Alex says, a little too casual, "Those are Claire's dads."

And yeah, Claire hears it. At one time, that kind of assumption would've put her hackles up and pissed her off. Now, she's just too tired for that kind of dumb reaction. Because it's not right, but it's not wrong either, and maybe it's a little more the latter than the former. Besides, the look on Dean's face - the same expression he makes when Sam steals the keys and gets into the driver's seat of the Impala without asking - is just too funny.

"Claire," Castiel says, like he didn't hear anything, "We got your text. What's wrong?"

"Can we go somewhere?" Claire says, meaning anywhere but here, and Castiel's mouth drops into a frown as he nods.

"Of course."

They pile back into the Impala and Claire leans back against the seat, shutting her eyes. She is tired, she realizes, not just mentally but physically too. Sleep has been scarce ever since that vampire rolled into town six months ago. Not just because of nightmares, but because she keeps waking up thinking another vampire has broken in. It's gotten bad enough she's started sleeping with a machete beside her bed and one hand wrapped around the handle at all times.

She doesn't quite fall asleep, but she's definitely groggy by the time Dean pulls up in front of the local Sioux Falls ice cream shack. Dean's the one who heads over to the line. Claire finds herself sitting at a picnic table with Castiel sitting across from her. It's surreal, but in a way that's not necessarily bad. If she were just a little younger and they were sitting on the same side of the table, she'd put her head against his shoulder. She tells herself it's a good thing that Castiel's on the opposite side. In an attempt to distract herself, she looks at him.

He looks good, she notices. A hell of a lot better than he did last time, when there were lines under his eyes and he looked like one good gust of wind would knock him on his ass. Apparently Dean took her seriously when she told him to look after Castiel. There's no mistaking the way they lean into each other, or the couple times she opened her eyes and saw that Dean's hand was across the front seat and on Castiel's knee. It's about time, really, because Claire's pretty sure they've been dancing around each other for years. She's had to put up with Alex for the past six months; there's no way she's equipped to deal with any more sexual tension.

Dean comes back with three cones, all chocolate, and sits down before he says, "So what's the 911? Vampires?"

"I don't want to have sex."

Without skipping a beat, Dean says, "Awesome. I am in full support of that."

In spite of herself, Claire smiles.

"Dean," Castiel says chidingly, rolling his eyes. 

"What? I'm just saying -"

"I meant like ever," Claire cuts in, and they both turn to look at her. "I just - I don't know. Sex, romance - even dating, I don't want any of that stuff. I haven't for a long time now. I thought it would go away once I was living with Jody, but it hasn't. I just don't... feel it. I can tell when someone is attractive, but I never... and Jody says I will someday, but..." She trails off, licking her lips, and watches Castiel and Dean look at each other.

It's the same way her parents used to look at each other, and a pang of loneliness hits unexpectedly hard. She's pretty sure her mom and dad wouldn't have taken this kind of announcement well. Not that they were homophobic or anything, but they were good, god-fearing people and the Plan - as in, grow up, get married, have children - was very important to them. Or it was before they met a real live angel. She tries to imagine telling her parents that she doesn't want sex and can't. At the very least, their reaction probably would've made Jody's attempt look like gold.

"Sex is great," Dean says, and it sounds like he's choosing his words very carefully. "But, uh, if you don't want - that, you know you don't have to. Right?"

"Don't I?" Claire says bitterly, because she can't explain just how much it makes her the outsider. "That's what everyone says I should want. It's what Alex wants."

"You're not her, Claire. Everyone is different. Some people like boys. Some people like girls. Some people like both." Dean shrugs, deliberately knocking shoulders with Castiel, and finally Castiel speaks.

"I'm afraid I don't really understand why this is such a big deal."

"Dude," Dean says.

"Well, I don't. There are plenty of humans who aren't sexually or romantically attracted to anyone," Castiel says to her, and his voice is very gentle. "Some of them don't date. Some don't have sex. There's always a variety of reasons. I've seen a fair amount of them in my time. It's not as odd as you seem to think it is. And it doesn't mean anything in the long run. Every single one of them could and did still love with all of their hearts. You have a great capacity for love, Claire. Your sexuality doesn't change that."

Her eyes fill with tears so fast it's embarrassing. She hasn't cried in months, but this time she can't stop it. Her ice cream is melting on her hands, and she feels like such a goddamn mess.

"We can get you some information," says Dean awkwardly. "I'm sure Sam will know some resources. Good internet sites, I mean."

"Jody says I have to take condoms with me just in case," Claire whispers.

They look at each other again, and then Dean says, "I'll talk to her."

She wants to say that they don't have to do that, but the words get locked up in her throat. Castiel takes the ice cream cone from her hands and gives it to Dean to eat, then helps her to clean her hands like she's a five-year-old kid. The serious way he goes about it just makes her cry harder, though to their credit neither one of them brings attention to her tears. It's probably the best thing they could have done, she knows; though part of her desperately wants a hug, another part would probably punch them if they tried.

There's been times, in the last six months, when she blamed Castiel for this. She felt different after he possessed her, like he burned something valuable out of her. Something that can't be replaced. Something that she couldn't put into words no matter how much her mother begged her to. She still doesn't know what it was, and if her dad lost it too - though the way he hugged and kissed her mom last time says otherwise. 

So maybe she would be the same way even if that never happened. Because as she watches the way Dean and Castiel look at each other, there's no doubt in her mind that Castiel definitely doesn't feel this way. He's in love with Dean, and the way they touch - tender, familiar - tells her, as gross as it is, that they've probably had sex. Maybe this is just the way Claire Novak is, destined to be a freak in every way.

They don't go right back to Jody's house (Claire can't think of it as home). They go for a walk along Main Street, and Claire is treated to an amusing few hours of Dean and Castiel being complete dorks together. It's embarrassing sometimes, but also hilarious, and she realizes she hasn't laughed this hard in years. She even forgets to watch the people around her, just in case one of them is a vampire, and doesn't think to walk around with her hand on a knife the way she usually does. Even the way Castiel keeps looking at her, with this little smile, doesn't bother her the way it would have before.

Before.

Claire falls asleep on the way back. She dreams about her parents for the first time in months. It's a short dream because she wakes up way too soon to Dean's hand on her shoulder. Sleepily, she crawls out of the back of the Impala and squints up at the house as the front door opens. Jody comes out, Alex hanging back in the doorway, and in that light the two of them look just like a mother and daughter. 

In her heart, Claire knows that Alex knows that Alex will never leave this place. Jody is Alex's home now, and no matter how much Alex hates hunting she won't leave that behind. Which means that there's no place for Claire here, because she's the hunter here - not Jody, who keeps an eye out, but who is way more concerned with being a sheriff.

"Where have you been?" Jody demands, nodding at Dean and Castiel in greeting even as she scolds Claire. "I was getting worried. You should've called."

"Sorry. We rolled into town earlier and decided to take the kid out," says Dean.

Jody shoots him a suspicious look, but just as quickly it fades away into a warm smile. "It's good to see you again, stranger. And this is..."

"Castiel." There's a lot of emotion rolled up into that one word, and Jody must be able to hear just as much of it in Dean's voice as Claire. Her smile widens and she holds a hand out.

"Castiel, nice to finally meet you."

Castiel nods. "Thank you for taking care of Claire," he says formally.

"My pleasure. She's a good kid," Jody says, and christ this is word-for-word the exchange Claire's mom used to have when she would spend the night at a friend's.

"Okay, I need to talk to you," she says to Jody, before she loses her nerve.

"Sure," Jody says, looking confused, and obediently follows Claire a few feet away. 

The silence drags on until Jody, concerned now, says, "Claire?"

"I want to go home with my dad and my pops." 

The words just slip out of her big mouth. Jody freezes. Claire doesn't dare turn around to see what Castiel and Dean look like; she said that _way_ too loud.

"I don't belong here," she continues, still too loud, but it's like she can't figure out how to turn the volume down. "You and Alex, you're - you just click, you know? You're both so normal. And I'm not."

"Claire, I told you I'd help you out with the hunting -"

"It's not just that. It's - I can't explain it. I'm sorry. You've been great," Claire says, and the words taste paltry, even though she means them with all her heart. She didn't text Dean and Castiel with the idea of leaving. She just wanted to know that she was normal, even if it the confirmation came from the weirdest people she knows. But now that she's actually said the words, she wants it more than anything. She can't handle another night in this house. 

Jody looks at her for a long time, eyebrows drawn together. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Because she is. She's so damn sure, standing here with the memory of her daddy's voice in her head - _"You could do a lot worse, baby."_ It was just a dream, but she can't get the image of her parents, standing together and happy in heaven, out of her mind.

"Okay," Jody says finally. "I'll miss you, but if that's what you and they say it's okay, it's fine with me."

Claire takes a deep breath and risks a peek over her shoulder. Dean is standing there frozen, mouth hanging open, but Castiel is being a dork by doing a shit job of hiding his huge smile.

"Is it okay?" Claire asks him, suddenly shy.

"Of course," Castiel says, a little too fast, but entirely too pleased. "I didn't think..." He doesn't finish his sentence, but Claire knows what he was going to say. God knows she's said it enough times.

"Castiel, are my parents in heaven?" she asks.

Castiel looks a little surprised by the abrupt change in subject, but nods. "Yes."

"You're not my daddy, but you're the closest thing I have," she says to the ground. "If you. I mean, if you want me."

They've only hugged a couple times, but it never ceases to surprise Claire just how _hard_ Castiel can hug - especially when his hugs used to be so uncertain, like he didn't know if he was doing it right. Now he practically lifts her off her feet, and instead of pulling away like she did last time, Claire lets herself relax into it. For the first time, she doesn't feel like she's betraying her daddy. Maybe because of what Dean told her once: that Jimmy Novak died a hero, because he loved his family, and she knows that her daddy would want this for her.

Dean snaps out of his daze and shakes his head. "This has bad idea written all over it," he says, more to himself, before looking at Claire. "You realize this doesn't get you out of college."

"You live like five hours away," Claire says, still comfortably nestled against Castiel's shoulder.

"Online courses."

She scowls, but nods. "Fine."

"And you're not coming along on all the hunts. I mean it. Some of them will be way too advanced."

"That doesn't mean you'll get out of teaching me," she counters.

It's Dean's turn to make a face. "Sometimes you'll have to stay with Sam and Eileen."

Claire doesn't know who the hell Eileen is, but that's an argument she can make later. She's old enough to stay in the bunker by herself, but Dean doesn't have to know that now. "Then you have to teach me how to drive."

"Fine," he says, not mocking, and wraps his arm around the both of them. He's a little awkward, but it's the first hug she's had in a very long time that doesn't make her feel uncomfortable. This, this is hers, like Jody is Alex's. 

"You want to stay for dinner before you make the trip back?" Jody says. She doesn't look or sound surprised. 

"Yes," Dean says instantly, breaking the hug, eyes lighting up like a puppy that never gets fed. Claire catches Castiel rolling his eyes when she pulls back and has to bite her lip against laughing.

They pile into the house and Claire goes upstairs to pack her things, not that she ever really unpacked. She can admit, if only to herself, that Jody's house was always temporary. She can't ignore the monsters out there like Alex can, and she needs to be around people who feel the same way. As boring as online courses sound, she thinks she can tolerate them better if it means learning more about hunting during her free time.

She slings her bag on her bed and starts putting her clothing into it. About halfway through, Alex walks in uninvited and leans against the door to watch. Claire ignores her, which is something Alex has never liked, and finally Alex breaks the silence.

"I didn't think hunters were big on running away."

"I'm not running away. Unlike some people, I know there's a problem out there and I'm going to learn how to help get rid of it," Claire says, and it will never cease to amaze her how easily she and Alex can get under each other's skin.

Alex scowls. "You're gonna get yourself killed."

"Death," Claire says very quietly, "is not the worst thing in the world. I can think of a lot more things to be afraid of." 

She doesn't mean it to be a dig - she's thinking of angels and demons, and watching her parents die in front of her, and the possibility that maybe this thing with Castiel and Dean won't work out because where the hell will she go if they don't want her? When she's so damn tired of being alone - but Alex clearly takes it that way.

"You're still just a loser," she says, low and vicious, and storms out of the room.

"Hello," Castiel says out in the hall, and then, "Or not. Was that Alex?" 

"Yeah," Claire says, finally finished with her clothes and moving on to books. And weapons. And her stuffed cat. She means to grab it before Castiel sees it, but he's too quick. He stares at the cat in stunned silence before looking at her. There's something very kind in his eyes.

"Dean and I don't have a room ready for you, but he thought you might want to text Sam a list of things for the short term," he says.

"Oh. Sure. I can do that." Claire grabs the cat but, instead of stuffing it into her bag the way she intends, holds it in her lap and sinks down onto the edge of the bed. Her stomach hurts again and her chest feels tight.

Castiel steps into the room and sits down beside her. "Claire, are you sure about this? Because Dean and I can visit more often, if you want. Or -"

"No."

He winces.

"No, that's - shit, sorry." Claire scrubs a hand over her face. She's just fucking up left and right today. "I don't want you to visit me. I don't want to be here anymore. They go through every damn day pretending nothing is wrong, acting like there's nothing dangerous out there, and I just - it grates on me. It makes me even more aware of everything until it's all I can think about. I can't take it anymore."

"We don't hunt every day," Castiel points out quietly. "There are several days at a time where we're in the bunker."

"I know that. But at least you're not, like, pretending blissful ignorance is a real thing. Do you know that the only weapon in this house is Jody's gun and a machete she keeps in the garage? A machete. Like that's going to be enough to kill a demon," she says, and she's laughing right up until she's crying.

Castiel wraps a careful arm around her shoulders, like he thinks she might brush him off, but she leans into him the way she wanted to at the picnic tables and shuts her eyes. "I'm so tired," she whispers. "I can't even sleep at night without thinking I'm gonna wake up to some vamp chewing on my throat. I used to be so strong and now I just don't want you to leave me here."

"You're still just as strong as you were before, Claire."

"No, I'm really not. This whole sex thing just makes everything a hundred times worse. I can't even be normal like that. I'm just a weird loser."

"You're not a weird loser," Castiel says, and he's so quick to jump to her defense that she has to smile.

"Yeah I am. I just gotta figure out how to be okay with that, and I can't do that here."

Castiel doesn't say anything for a long time, just sits there with his arm around her, and Claire is grateful for the silence that lets her wipe her tears away without being judged. She feels safe with him, which is at odds with the fact that she spent years hating this guy. But if there's one thing that Claire's learned, it's that nothing ever stays the same.

Dean finally pokes his head into the room, looks at the two of them and half-finished packing and the mascara streaks that have got to be on Claire's cheeks by now, but all he says is, "Jody's got supper on the table."

"We're coming," Castiel says, shooting Dean a meaningful look, and Dean leaves without another word.

Claire sighs and looks down at the Grumpy Cat on her lap. Its fur is very soft. She gathers what little courage she's got left and says, "Dad?" 

The word tastes strange on her lips. But the more she says it, the easier it gets - and the more right it feels.

"Yes?" Castiel answers, after a little pause, like he's not really sure that Claire's talking to _him_ , and Claire turns her head to look at him.

"Do you think Pop would let me drive home?"

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://tsuki-chibi.tumblr.com/).


End file.
